Do the following headlines remind you of any recent stories?
Man almost kill son; claims ‘a voice told me to do it!’
One hallucination trumps another!
Wife stands by while son taken to slaughter: victim or accessory?
Or,
God won’t play fair— makes horrible demands of cult member
That last one may have given it away— these are all potential headlines for today’s Torah reading from the Akeidah— the binding of Isaac. Of course, these headlines are much more modern than most commentaries. The rabbis of old see this as a venerable tale of pure and perfect faith, which our ancestor Abraham held for this new, imperceivable and all-powerful God. Our tradition treats Abraham as a tzaddik, a righteous person, who demonstrated his ultimate trust by being willing to offer that which was most important to him— his beloved son Isaac. Had the rabbis of old been journalists, they might have written something like
Against all odds, man conquers great test of faith!
Like many of us, I just can’t see it with the same positivity as the rabbis. In a world of significantly more order, justice, and predictability than in the time of the Torah, we cannot imagine a situation where a father about to sacrifice his child for his religious belief and a permitting mother would be acceptable and justified. We would say that Abraham was crazy and should be locked up. We might spread the blame around in trying to make sense of the situation— to explain how things could have gone so wrong for this seemingly wholesome family.
Even when a situation has little to do with us—like a tragedy in a community across the continent— when we read about something horrific, we can’t help but imagine ourselves in these people’s shoes, and wonder, could that have happened to me? What would I have done in God’s place, Sarah’s place, or Abraham’s? I would hope that as Abraham, I would have argued for my son’s right to live, as I did for the potentially righteous people of Sodom and Gomorrah, and as I did against the idolatrous practices of my father in Ur. I would hope that as a mother, I would not stand idly by in a doorway, knowing my husband well enough to know that something was up and yet not saying a word. I would certainly not be negligent and ignore what was happening under my very own roof. And if I were God?… Well, I can’t really imagine being God, but I can still judge God for the way this story went.
Is there not a better time for putting God, Sarah, and Abraham up for judgment than over these High Holidays— these days of judgment? It is in these days that we immerse ourselves in introspection and growth, that we admit to sins and ask for forgiveness. It’s over these days that we need to judge, so that we may dole out our apologies and forgiveness.
Perhaps looking at our Torah portion from a position of judgment on these days would be rather fitting. It certainly would be an easier way of making sense of this difficult text. After all, most of us living in the Western world today seem to have become quite good at judging— at least, at judging others.
With TV and internet— a constant connection to information about our world and absolutely everyone living in it, we as a society have fallen in love with celebrity gossip. This prevalence of information on those in the public forum has become so ubiquitous that we can’t help but form opinions, and unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you see it, these opinions often carry great consequences for those in question.
Look at former US representative Anthony Weiner, who behaved inappropriately when he distributed vulgar images of himself to a couple of ‘lucky’ recipients. Yes, he certainly behaved inappropriately, from as many perspectives as I can consider. That being said, there are countless politicians and public figures who through the years have enjoyed certain ‘escapades’ and slid by unchecked. The difference here is not so much Weiner’s great display of poor judgment as it is the enormous and ongoing commentary in the public sphere. With so much opinion out there, could it be possible today to get over a scandal like this? This seems unlikely.
We are so talented in our abilities to form opinions on those who may have never met, and with whom we may have little in common. We are also, however, quite skilled at judging those in similar positions in life. How many parents in this room have at one time or another judged another parent for the way they seemed to be raising their children? I know that I was doing that even just as a parent-to-be! Six weeks ago, I was sitting in a restaurant in Maui with Miriam, and when I should have been enjoying the wafting aroma of my noodle dish, instead I seethed, in a fog of judgment, observing a parent set up a laptop for her young son at the dinner table, so that he could watch tv. And not just any TV, but the show The Walking Dead, a program filled with graphic violence, completely inappropriate for any 10-year-old. I simply could not understand what could lead a mother to permit this. I judged, I vented, and boy did it feel good.
It’s funny, it would have not felt nearly as good to observe another parent taking good care of his or her child. “Hey, I’m judging you, and I deem you an excellent parent. Nice work.” It just doesn’t have the same ring to it. There’s just less self-righteous satisfaction that comes with observing others behaving as they should. It’s much more rare to find a gossip column speaking of an amazing celebrity parent. It happens, periodically, but only when there’s some other wonderful angle— a cuteness factor, for instance. Ultimately, it seems that negativity, vitriol, anger, and judgment create a much greater endorphin release, than a simple positive outlook on others.
We learn, however, that while judging others may be immediately pleasurable, it’s bad over the long-run. It says something about us as a society when we’re more interested in לשון הרע — in gossip, than in great scientific discoveries and heart-warming community events. And it says something about us individually when we are more interested in commenting on the actions of another than in looking deeply at ourselves. Judging others is not healthy. Negativity breeds negativity, and anger takes its toll. The most beautiful signs of aging— those crows-feet around the eyes, come from a lifetime of smiling. Frowning, on the other hand, seems to produce a kind of permanent expression for which none of us really wish.
Rabbi Joshua ben Paraḥia, in Pirkei Avot (1:6), offers us a cure for this negativity. He tells us, דן את כל אדם לכף זכות— judge each person meritoriously. When we look at others, regardless of what we may see, we should be inclined to look at them favourably. Though we may see juvenile behaviour, we should make sure to see the positive things this person has accomplished. For every human being, we must work to seek out the positives, even when they may be buried in mountains of waste.
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Sometimes this is really hard. Sometimes a person seems so disgusting that the last thing they deserve is the benefit of the doubt. More often though, I think that we find it difficult for a different reason. Because this person at whom we are pointing our finger, is no different than us.
The great psychologist Sigmund Freud teaches that we have defence mechanisms—— mental agents for protecting us from anxiety and other negative energies, by pushing them away from us towards something else. One of these mechanisms is called displacement— a phenomenon where we take hostility towards ourselves or a loved one, and displace this hostility—our frustrations, feelings and impulses, onto another person who is less threatening— a person we can criticize and judge without having to face significant repercussions.
This would mean that if we get pleasure out of criticizing Anthony Wiener, it may be because we have all done stupid things of one sort or another, and we’re not so impressed with ourselves for them. And when I criticize another parent from my own dinner table, ten feet away and safely out of ear-shot, it may be because I myself am fearful of making bad decisions and seriously messing up the young life for whom I will soon be responsible.
By spending so much time and energy judging others, while we may be having more fun in the moment, we are missing seriously important opportunities to do to dig deeply within ourselves and come to terms with our own issues. In diverting our attention, we may end up going on for weeks, months, or years without realizing that we may have hurt someone, that we may have some deep-seated anxieties that need to be addressed, and that we need to engage in some serious תשובה —in repentance and growth.
For these holy days this year, let’s try turning down our defence mechanism. Let’s do two things instead. First, let us turn inward, and look at what is spawning these negative energies. What is causing in me the need to lash out? What is the source of my desire to be negative towards another human being? Is it possible that I have my own insecurities, as we often tell others about those schoolyard and workplace bullies?
Second, let us try, according to the teachings of Joshua ben Paraḥia, to look out with empathy and love. While I may see something awful on the surface, do I really know their context? Do I know that the child could and would have been better off seated calmly at the table with his family? Perhaps there were some underlying issues for which, in a crowded room with lots of stimuli, television might be calming.
One of my good friends, in giving me early parenting advice, told me that he and his wife had a no judging rule— they would never judge other parents for things they saw that they would do differently. Every child is different, every relationship is different, and we can never really understand the needs of another without walking in their shoes. And I can only imagine the weight lifted off their chests, because when we stop judging others, it becomes so much easier to let go of thoughts of others judging you! It’s that displacement thing again. For some cases, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to find a context to justify actions. I cannot fathom a good reason for Wiener’s indiscretions. I’m not saying that New Yorkers should overlook his shortcomings and vote for him on his positive record only. What our tradition does tell us, I believe, is that at most, we should take note of these faults, and then move on to what’s actually important in our lives.
Just as we should turn towards others with the כף זכות- the hand of compassion, so too should we, upon looking inward, bring compassion upon ourselves. Undoubtedly there will be times when we should be self-critical, but there will also be times where in our insecurities, what we need most is an embrace. Sometimes we need to know that we may not be perfect, and there will be mistakes that we make, but that being ‘good’ or even ‘average’ may be good enough. We cannot be all-stars in all walks of life, and sometimes instead of being Mother Teresas, we just need to be decent neighbours. We all have stresses, sicknesses, illnesses, and fatigue; there’s only so much that we can do. Rabbi Tarfon reminds us, “the day is short and the work is great” (Pirkei Avot 2:20). There are days where we ought to push ourselves hard, but there are other days where must offer ourselves that hug.
A helpful teaching: Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Pshischa suggested that every person have two pockets, with a note in each of these pockets at all times, so that he or she could reach into the one or the other depending on the need. When feeling lowly, depressed, discouraged or dejected, one should reach into the right pocket and there find the words “For my sake was the world created” (Sanhedrin 37b). But, when feeling high and mighty, it is most helpful to bring in the critique, the modicum of judgment, and reach into that left pocket to find the biblical words “I am but dust and ashes” (Genesis 18:27). For each of us, there are times when we need love and there are times when we need judgment. Those who recognize these times, and are in a position to offer us these two hands, are unlikely to be the distant observers across the room; they are those who know us best— our loved ones, God, and ourselves.
So, the next time that rush of excitement comes in, when we feel the need to scoff at another, let’s see it as an opportunity for growth. What is it that is arousing these feelings? What is the source? When I look at Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice Isaac for his faith in God, I may very well be thinking about my own priorities; when I make commitments in one area of my life, what is going to lose out? When I criticize God, I have to wonder, what kinds of demands do I inadvertently ask of others? And in looking at Sarah, I may be thinking about those areas in my life in which I feel powerless to make a difference. I get mad because I wish that she, or I, could have stood up in that moment for what was truly important.
A “great rabbi” of our own day, Pope Francis, recently offered some very important words of teaching. On the issue of whether gay men would be fit to serve as priests, whereas previous popes where quick to condemn, Pope Francis wisely said, “Who am I to judge?”
Who are we to judge others? Who are we to assume that we understand another’s context, and who are we to do ourselves the disservice of diverting some badly-needed attentions to another? Rather, let’s take these days to look to the source of our insecurities, and judge only that for which we are truly in a position to judge. Let us devote our energies to fixing what needs to be fixed, and letting lay what ought to remain. May we hope, that we will one day encounter a world, where the headlines will read:
Gossip is yesterday’s news!
Self-servings of justice for all!
and
There’s a whole lot of love in this place.
Delivered at Temple Emanu-El of Edison, NJ on September 5th, 2013, Rosh Hashanah 5774.
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