Months ago, in preparation for the high holidays, we discussed how to do t’shuvah (how to repent for our misdeeds and make amends) and we learned that one of the actions to take, as we might expect, is to seek forgiveness from the person we wronged.
One of our community members recently asked me a question in response to this discussion: ‘Rabbi, what does our tradition teach us about how to properly forgive?’ This is an excellent request. Those who have been in the position of being seriously asked for forgiveness know that giving forgiveness can be even harder than seeking it.
Maimonides offers one paragraph to the subject:
A person is forbidden from being cruel and refusing to be appeased. Rather, he [or she] should be easily pacified and hard to anger. At the moment the person who erred asks for forgiveness, the person who was wronged should forgive with full heart and an engaged spirit. And even if the errant one aggravated him and seriously wronged him, the erred one should not seek revenge or bear a grudge (Hilchot T’shuvah 2:10).
Sage words, and yet, these may be particularly difficult to actually follow. After all, just because someone who hurt us is saying ‘sorry, I won’t do it again’ does not mean that the pain has left us. Why should this person get off so easy?
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Forgiveness is also important for those hurt. Anger and pain weigh us down. Offering forgiveness releases us from the pain of harbouring grudges. It lightens our load, and allows us, like the errant one, to move on. And it’s a mitzvah too.
Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting. It does not mean that we are pushing a reset button and reverting to the moment before we were hurt. We remember the actions of others, and while sometimes we can get past them, sometimes we have to say, ‘it will be difficult for me to trust you again.’ Forgiving is different from forgetting. It means, ‘you are released from your mistake, and I will let go of my anger towards you. We may both go on with our lives.’
The Torah implores us not to hold anger and grudges in our hearts— keep the memories, learn from the past, but let go of those emotions weighing us down. In doing so, our community will be lighter, and so will our souls.
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