J.K. Simmons at the Oscars, in his acceptance speech for the award for Best Supporting Actor in Whiplash, gave one of the most moving messages I’ve heard from the Academy Awards podium.
And if I may, call your mom. Everybody—I’m told there’s like a billion people or so. Call your mom, call your dad. If you are lucky enough to have a parent or two alive on this planet, call them. Don’t text, don’t e-mail. Call them on the phone. Tell them you love them and thank them and listen to them for as long as they want to talk to you. Thank you. Thank you, mom and dad.
What a beautiful and sacred sentiment. While I don’t know what emotions led him to this statement, I do know where the inherent principle comes from— Torah!
Leviticus 19:3 commands, You shall each revere your mother and father! Likewise, Exodus 20:12 commands us, Honor your mother and your father!
These commands seem so rudimentary. After all, they constitute the fifth of the famous Ten Commandments. And yet, so many of us fall short on this one.
It’s easy enough to observe this mitzvah as a child. Listen to your parents. Don’t talk back and follow commands. And for those many times when you stepped out of line, it was clear that you were in the wrong.
But, as we age, and as our parents age, this command becomes more difficult. What does it mean to honor and revere those who raised us when we rarely see them because we ourselves are parents, or because we have demanding jobs, or because we live in a different time zone?
We often think of respect and reverence only as displayed through concrete action. The Talmud asks, “how far should honoring one’s father and mother extend,” and Rav Ulla responds, “Go and see what a certain guy named Dama did for his father in Ashkelon. Once, the sages sought to buy some goods from his store that would have resulted in a significant profit, but the key to the merchandise happened to be under his sleeping father’s pillow, and Dama refused to disturb him” (Babylonian Talmud Kiddushin 31a). So, ultimate respect, rather than trying to make the family more money, is trusting that our parents have made the right decision, and when they say it’s time to nap, we let them nap. And in examples that we’re more likely to often encounter, we’re taught again and again that we refrain from contradicting our parents, and we defer to them at any opportunity.
What about, however, when we barely interact with our parents, because we’ve grown up and moved on in our lives? Have we managed to keep our ties close, or have we drifted apart?
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The Psalmist implores God, or perhaps to his children, “Cast me not off in the time of my old age; when my strength fails, forsake me not” (Psalm 71:9).
Honoring and revering can take many forms, depending on the nature of the relationship. And sometimes, it means making time in our busy lives, to reconnect with those who brought us into this world.
Susan Kennedy (aka SARK) offers many suggestions for this kavod and yir’ah — this respect and reverence. She writes,
Listen closely. Develop your patience. Tune up your sensitive humor. Crack your shell. Remember that each old person is a library. Listen closely. Go for a slow walk in a sunny park. Be useful. Bring the gift of your self. Try enchantment. Be voluntary. Visit with magic. Invent a new activity. ,Try playing their game. Let wisdom seep in, Cradle your own future old person. Hug willingly. Sew on a button. Handwrite a letter. Take a midnight cruise in a convertible. Try respect. Bestow surprise gifts. Handle with caring. Be gentle. Make a nourishing soup. Believe in really living. Pray together. Gamble on love. Plant a tree. Plan something outrageous. Embrace death. Hold hands at twilight. Bake funny cookies. Listen closely. Pay attention to an old person (S.A.R.K., A Creative Companion, Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1991).
Honoring our parents can take many forms, depending on age, health, and the nature of the relationship. What’s important is that we continue to find forms, old and new, that keep the relationship fresh, and us engaged.
The rabbis teach that there are at least three partners in the creation of a human being: God and our parents (Babylonian Talmud Kiddush 32a). When a person honors his parents, through this very act, he brings God into the world.
So, let’s follow Simmons’ advice. If you are blessed to have living parents, call them. And if you need to give your kids a nudge, send them this article.
Originally published in Temple Emanu-El of Edison’s May 2015 edition of the Kolaynu.
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